The Gates - Season 1, Episode 3 - Breach

Hi guys! I know, I'm as disappointed as you are that The Gates wasn't canceled over the
4th of July holiday as some sort of gift to America. Since The Gates is still on TV, I guess I still have to write about it. I'm not the only one thinking that... look at the face in that photo, (which might be a spoiler, I don't know I haven't even watched this episode yet) she seems unhappy to be here too... But, you didn't come here to listen to me whine, or did you?

There is some beeping at the Bat Cave. It triggers an automated call to Nick telling him there is a break in. Police Chief, and apparently also the neighborhood rep for ADT or Slomin Shield too. They must no pay very well that he needs to take a second job. (Editor's Note: After some careful research, we here at Knocking at The Gates have learned that police are often called to handle breaking and entry cases; up to now we thought that was one of those crimes that went unanswered if you didn't have private security.)

Theresa is having an argument with her roommate on the phone. Seems she has invited her boyfriend to move in with her since he doesn't have a place to live (or a job) and Theresa is being kicked out. Theresa's roommate hasn't heard of sex, since if she had, her boyfriend would be sleeping in her room, and not in Theresa's, and she'd have no need to move out. Marcus is toweling off in the living room, listening to her conversation. They either just had a water gun fight they engaged in water sports, or what seems the least like scenario, he took a shower but couldn't finish getting dried in either the bathroom or the bedroom. Theresa complains, between her jobs as wedding sniper and school photographer, she won't have time to find a new place. Marcus invites her to move in with him, you know, until she finds a place of her own. He gets a call from Nick telling him he needs him, and he runs off to "do his job."

Nick stands in front of a dark house, and Marcus arrives a moment later. Nick asks who owns the house, and is told the McCallisters. The same family that has been a focal point in the two (and only) prior episodes of the series, and he doesn't recognize the home? Nick has the memory power of a gosh darn goldfish! He decides he wants to take a look, but Marcus has to remind him that they aren't allowed to enter the house without owner permission. Cheese and crackers! That's 4th Amendment Law, taught in most grade schools by 6th grade. Information that a Police Chief might want to know... They hear the crash of breaking glass, so they decide that serves as probably cause to check the property, and whilst the criminal had to break a window to get in, the police were able to open the unlocked doors to the home and enter with no problem. As they search the house with drawn weapons, a movement catches Nick's eye and he follows it to the kitchen where it turns into Mr. McCallister. Nick has met this guy a few times, but again Marcus needs to remind him. They holster their weapons and listen to Mr. McC tell them about how they just got home about an hour ago. Marcus tells them about the silent alarm they got back at the Bat Cave, and how upon arrival heard breaking glass. Dylan tells them that as far as he knows, clumsiness is not a crime; but violating the terms of service of The Gates. Nick says he knows them, but I think like everyone else, he just clicked the little accept button and didn't really read them. Once the cops leave, we see a redheaded woman bleeding all over the dishwasher and the floor. I think Dylan lost his accent somewhere on vacation, because he didn't have his British affectation any longer.

I wish this show had a memorable theme song... imagine this crammed to the tune of Gilligan's Island
♫ Sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale I loathe to tell
About a gated community, surrounded by some walls.
It started out quite poorly, and the quality has fell
How long will we be subjected to this; I'm waiting for those calls.
The cop is a mighty bumbling fool, his deputies quite dumb.
He moved to town from Chicago land with daughter, wife and son.
The neighbors all keep secrets inside their little cliques
They're vampires, and werewolves, and some are even witches.
The show is poor, the acting stiff, there lyrics are no better.
But ABC commissioned me, not some talent like Eddie Vedder.
So tune in each week and see what unspeakable tale does unfold;
It might be slow, and vapid fare, but I mine it for comic gold. ♫

Back at the police station, Leigh tells Nick she'll fix the computer, telling him the computer is a she, and temperamental, like a woman. Coming from a man, that would be a sexist comment, coming from her, it sets feminism back about 15 years.

Dylan McCalister (I have no idea how to spell this name... show info has it as McCallister, the subtitles have listed it as MacCallister and McAllister) had a good night's sleep and has his accent back now. He is on the phone trying to get reservations. Gerard Crouse, the [ad]venture capitalist, and his wife are in town, and he would like to take them out to eat. Claire offers to cook dinner for them, offering up her cupcakes as a convincing morsel of her abilities. She's told they are foodies, and she replies that she's up for the challenge. The cupcakes ARE gluten-free after all.

Andie is taking a book from her locker when Brett approaches her. The discuss semantics for a while, specifically his choice words from last episode. Those words were "I LOVE YOU" if you missed it. Brett tells her that he's turned on by the fact that she's good with words, but those simple ones seem to scare her. Andie gives him a lame excuse about being busy. Wait, she said 'super busy' so everything is all good now. They agree to meet up later for lunch and part ways. As Andie walks down the hall, she is spotted and greeted by Charlie. Unwilling to talk to him, she pops into the ladies room. Mia is in the bathroom doing her make-up, and she and Andie gossip about Brett, Charlie (nicknamed Hot Kiss) and what to do about the triangle. Mia tells her to look at Brett as a given, and Hot Kiss like a variable. Once she knows what she wants out of Brett she can solve her dilemma. Andie thinks she's helping her with her boy troubles, but at the same time, she is tutoring her in geometry. Andie catches on, and thanks he for being a genius.

Sarah shows up at the school with a plate of fudge for the fundraiser. She meets Brett's mother, Mrs. Creszki, who is a condescending bitch. She tells Sarah that she will wrap and give change for at least the first few hours, and then maybe she'll give Sarah a chance with the hard work. Also, the kids in The Gates must get ridiculous amounts of allowance, since these simple baked goods are marked $5 a piece. Crumbs charges that much, but they are a well known chain of bakeries; these are made by mom delectable treats. Seems pretty steep, even for a fundraiser.

Claire is in the parking lot of the local supermarket, no doubt buying the supplies for her great cook-a-thon for the guests. A woman gets a papercut and Claire starts to drool. She is startled by a man who she knows as Christian. He and her catch up a bit, and he gives her his card before disappearing into thin air.

Meanwhile, back at the Bat Cave, Leigh has stumbled onto a clue. The McCallister's alarm was hacked, from inside The Gates. They have an isolated system, so no outside lines connect to it. Nick looks pensive.

Claire opens her oven to remove a fallen souffle. She places it on the counter next to three additional fallen souffles. After the first one failed, why didn't she dump it out, clean the dish and try again... instead, she saved three failed attempts. This demonstrates a few things about her; first, she thinks souffles would impress a foodie, secondly she doesn't learn from her mistakes, and finally, she has 4 times as many souffle dishes as most homes. After realizing that she can't cook, she walks to the wine cellar and opens the fridge filled with blood. She decides against a drink and looks at the business card from Christian Harper.

Brett is in the men's room, looking at himself, when Lukas enters. Lukas asks Brett how things are with Andie, and when Brett says they're going well, Lukas completely blows up his spot, telling him that Andie made out with Charlie in the woods near the stables. Brett goes all 'roid-rage and punches the door off one of the stalls. He thinks that this is the perfect time to go talk with Andie. This is how domestic abuse begins boys and girls. Lukas tells him to be smart, he'd only hurt her if her went to her now. He suggests he skip the game that night, since he's benched anyway, and come running with the guys that night.

Andie sits in class listening to some topically chosen reading material. They learn about Henry VIII and his romance with Anne Boleyn. The teacher talks about how hot it was, and Andie asks "Didn't he cut off her head?" The teacher said he did, but not over love; it was due to infidelity. He dismissed the class so he can have a nooner. Andie worries about the parallels between homework and her life.

Brett, Lukas and a few other kids approach a wrought iron gate in the stone walls the surround The Gates. Lukas unlocks the gate and goads Creszki into following them outside. The kids run off as the gate locks behind them.

Leigh announces that she fixed the problem. She did something to something else, then ran it through some other thing and secured something else. She rubs her neck to demonstrate exhaustion. Nick praises her for whatever it was she said she did, and she says she's glad she finished. She has a hot date with red wine and a bathtub. In walks Sarah with her plate of fudge, providing Leigh with chocolate, the third leg in a solo session of orgiastic endeavor. While Marcus and Leigh pick at the fudge, Sarah complains to Nick about Mrs. Creszki and how perfect she looks so early in the morning. While they are talking, the alarm system goes off. The screen shows what looks like 15 additional alerts, while Leigh reads off only two additional sites of concern.

Nick and his crew check in with the residents of the houses with triggered alarms, only to learn they are false. Nick tells them team to continue investigating, even though they are pretty sure it is an error in the matrix. Marcus balks, starting to recite The Gates' policy. Nick silences him, telling him, basically, to be a cop. As long as there is a problem, yo, he'll solve it.

Claire meets with the mysterious Christian Harper. The reminisce about old times, like real old times. They casually discuss an incident in Vegas from 1961. They joke about it like they were discussing a good run on the tables, or getting too drunk, when in actuality, they are talking about when Claire murdered some tattooed guy that thought he could take advantage of her. See, funny. Ha ha ha! Claire tells Christian that life in The Gates is safe, now that they have a child. She lets him know they have one rule; no feeding in The Gates. He asks her about outside dining, and she tells him they decided to stop feeding entirely; Dylan brings home all the blood from his lab. She's happy with her life. She's happy with her life. Christian noticed that she said it twice too...

The Bat Cave is a flutter with alarm activity. The system is beeping more than a breathalyzer after Lindsay Lohan is done with it, and they decide to use the technology to their advantage. Nick believes the alarms are diversions to something more serious; he orders a complete lockdown of The Gates.

Andie tries calling Brett, but he misses his call because his cellphone is in his pants, which he isn't wearing, because he's running as a wolf with his pack. The pack finishes their run, and return to their clothes. Brett sees he missed a call from Andie, and texts her to meet at the yogurt shop at noon the next day. Lukas asks if he's going to dump her, and Brett says he'll talk to her first.

Claire watches Christian hit on a young girl in the bar, and looks longingly at them. She follows them outside where Christian is feeding on the girl. He invites Claire to share the meal, and the two lick at her like teenagers at inspiration point.

The pack returns to the wall, only to find they can't get back into The Gates. Brett takes a few steps back before taking a running leap. He is able to clear the 12' tall walls with no problem, landing just inside. He stands up and opens the fence for the rest of his crew, and they run inside. They had dropped off some bicycles nearby when they left, but they seemingly forget about them.

Leigh returns home, only to learn that the diversions were meant to draw the attention away from her house. She runs to a breakfront only to find it disheveled, and something missing.

Dylan enters the kitchen to find Claire cooking. He asks why she got home so late, and they go back and forth, with her having a ready reply for everyone of his questions. It seems that a little bit of fresh blood will do wonders for the stir crazy housewife vampire. Not only was she able to diffuse the third-degree from he husband, her fifth attempt at a souffle didn't fall. Got Blood?

At the police department, Nick and his staff interview assorted folks that were in The Gates but not residents, after the lockdown. There is an installer of entertainment units, Andie's techer that likes nooners, and a 'personal escort' who has a purse full of items that Marquis de Sade would approve of heartily. Right down to the leopard print furry handcuffs. Leigh meets and interviews Theresa, who is surprised to learn that Marcus' new girlfriend is taking up residence with him. Dr. Peg appears, and cryptically discusses Leigh's missing item. She gives her some pills to handle the pain, and reminds her if she is separated too long from whatever was taken... Leigh develops a nose bleed.

Nick has his team pouring over the video records of the night of the lockdown. While going over the footage, they spot a few frames of a letterman's jacket. Nick asks who the coach is, and tells them to call him to find out who wasn't at the game the previous night. Strange how Nick knows they had a football game the previous night, but not who to coach is.

Andie sits outside Fro-Yo-a-Go-Go, possibly the worst named Frozen Yogurt shop in America, spooning a cup of runny yogurt. Charlie approaches, and she greets him, and warns him against the vanilla; demonstrating the fluidity of what shouldn't be, and letting him know the flavor if closer to feet. As my mom would ask, 'How do you know what feet taste like?' It must be like Pinkberry, rich in live bacteria, and she didn't get that memo. She tells Charlie that she was waiting on Brett, who is half an hour late. I bet $50 this will cut to a shot of...

Brett and his mother sit across from Nick in his office. Mrs. Creszki tells Nick he is mistaken, as Brett was at the football game the previous night with 300 witnesses. Nick tells her she's wrong, that the coach already confirmed that Brett didn't show up. He tells them that he was riding bikes on Harrison with some guys, and Mr. Abernathy, the nooner loving teacher saw them.

Andie and Charlie sit at the table outside the terribly named Yogurt Shop. They joke about the horse riding problems they had the last time they were together. Andie apologizes for not knowing what to say to Charlie, and he tells her he'll wait for her to be able to discuss her feelings.

Brett and his mom leave the police station. Brett collides with an officer standing outside. A teenage boy and he has no control over his own body... poor kid. Sarah is standing outside when they leave. Mrs. Creszki grounds her son, taking away his cell phone. She understands that he was running, and fears for him. Apparently, his father and brother died via hunters while out running. BUZZ KILL MOM!

Dylan's guests sit around the table for dinner. Claire presents a Tart Tatin to the waiting guests. After all those attempts at making a souffle, she decides to scrap that idea and present them with a dessert instead. Mr. Crouse comments on the food, which Mrs. Crouse takes offense from; she says he married her for her ability to run the business. She claims an inability to make even toast. Toast? She can't make toast? This woman runs a company, so I assume she can do something as simple as check her email. If you can check your email, you can push the button on a toaster to push the bread into cooking position. It isn't 1860, where you actually had to hold the bread close to a flame. Claire doesn't know what to take of this conversation, so she excuses herself to get more wine. Dylan follows her shortly after and tells her that he likes whatever she has done that has made her into this super domestic version of herself. If he only knew that she was sneaking out to feed on fresh human blood, I don't think he'd feel the same.

Marcus confronts Leigh about her treatment of Teresa (for those keeping score at home, another change in spelling via the subtitles). Leigh tells him that she ran a background check and she has a spotless criminal record, perfect credit and no employment history. That is a sweet gig, perfect credit without having to work a day in your life. Where can I sign up? The two bicker back and forth, with Marcus accusing her of jealousy. Ooh, my early prediction of some sad love story involving these two looks slightly more plausible now, don't it? Nick enters and tells them that Mr. Abernathy confirmed Brett's alibi. Leigh tells Nick that the kids don't ride in the lot, but rather down by the delivery entrance for The Gates, where there is less traffic. She offers to take him to see the area.

Sarah entertains Karen Creszki in her kitchen. She makes small talk about peanut allergies and ingredient lists for future bake-sales. Karen tries to stop Sarah from talking by accusing her of knowing her dirty secret, all because she is married to the Police Chief. Sarah denies any knowledge, and rather than taking that as is, Karen proceeds to spill her secret to Sarah. She tells her how Brett was questioned in regards to the burglaries. She laments being a bad mother, having never attended one of his football games. I consider her lucky, I've unfortunately been stuck at a high school football game. It is almost as slowly paced as an episode of this series. She tells Sarah that she lost her husband and son, Brett's father and brother, in a hunting accident. She must know the Cheneys!

Leigh and Nick arrive at the delivery entrance. Kids ride around on their bikes as Nick surveys the area. He makes a brilliant police deduction after seeing a courier dropbox. He instructs Leigh to call off the lock down, and call off the searches. Maybe follow-up with your deduction before stopping the palliative measures you already have in place.

Abernathy sits in his home (or should we call it a lair) surrounded by his haul. Looks like this guy has a thing for candlestick holders. Lots and lots of candlestick holders. There are numerous empty courier boxes littering his apartment. There is a knock on the door, claiming to be a deliveryman. If I was robbing a gated community using a courier service, I'd probably be getting a lot of daily packages, and by extension, have familiarity with the voice of my delivery man. Not Abernathy; he opens the door to find Nick standing there. BUSTED!

Brett sits at an outside table at Fro-Yo-a-Go-Go when Andie approaches. They both have something to say, but he lets her go first. Andie tells him that they need to break up. I bet he hopes he went first now. She lets Brett know that when he said he loved her, she wanted to say it back, but didn't feel it. She tells him that she cares for him, but he deserves to be with someone that loves him. She gets up and walks off.

Marcus and Leigh discuss how Abernathy was able to hack their delicate security system, as he's only a history teacher. Turns out Mr. Abernathy was a computer science teacher, but The Gates already had one of them, so he took the history job instead. He spent 6 months of lunch breaks and study halls working on breaking the system, just to impress a girl. Leigh apologizes for hastily judging Teresa, and volunteers to log all the evidence so Marcus can go and be with her. He leaves, and she looks at the collection of baubles scattered across her desk. She grabs a gilded box, opens it a crack and peers inside. Satisfied everything is where it should be, she places the box in her rucksack.

Andie approaches Charlie in his living room. She claims she was let in by Dana, and I almost questioned who that was. Poor girl, her only screen time is an off-handed mention by a character. Next week look for her name scribbled on a bathroom wall! Andie tells Charlie that she broke up with Brett. She tells him that she wants to try being with him. He agrees wholeheartedly and the two share a succubus kiss.

Brett meets up with his boys, and tells them he broke it off with Andie. They welcome back into the fold and they go off running together.

Leigh visits Abernathy at his home. She questions if he opened "it." He says "it" was hers, implying that he did open it. He tells her that as long as all the charges against him are dropped, he will take the secrets of The Gates to his grave. She pulls out a gun and misses the opportunity to say "Count on it" before firing two silenced shots into him.

Claire gets a late night text message from Christian Harper "Will I C U?" This isn't a query is someone named Will is in Intensive Care, but rather him trying to set up a booty call. She replies with a simple Yes.

Leigh returns home with her gilded box. She places it in her breakfront, and cracks it open once again. A white glow comes out from inside. Is she related to Marsellus Wallace in some way? Next to the box is a photo of her with a man hugging her closely.

The Gates swing shut on yet again.

Come back next week to find the answer to these exciting questions:
Will Dylan's accent be more or less consistent than it was this week?
Will Claire go on of Blood run with Christian?
Will Andie learn of her succubus background?
Will Dana even show up next week?
Will I bother to tune in next week?

The Gates - Season 1, Episode 2 - What Lies Beneath

Hey again! Thanks for coming back. I've been waiting for you to tell you all about what happened on The Gates this week. O!M!G! Did you see it? Let's discuss!



Oh, the troubles of being a teenaged werewolf. Lukas and his father are out for a nice midnight run. Lukas' father scolds him for passing up a buck, focusing on winning their own personal iditarod, rather than the hunt. I'm confused, because he comes upon Lukas chowing down on a freshly killed deer. Lukas doesn't love her though, as he chooses to spit, instead of swallow. Damn, talk about harsh parenting.

At the morgue, Police Chief Nick stands with Marcus as the coroner examines the dead body of the former Chief. The coroner tells Nick that he's driven past the gates plenty of times before, but was never allowed in. As he is African-American, I'm guessing they are implying that this is a racist little enclave, but what explanation is there for Dr. Peg? He makes a joke that The Gates can't be called the safest community in the world if the former Police Chief winds up dead with a bullet in his head. The coroner then tells Nick and Marcus that the cause of death was a gunshot wound to the head. Well, that certainly would explain the bullet in the man's head, wouldn't it? He tells them, single shot, 9mm, point blank range, severing the brain stem. Marcus asks what that means, which I took to be pretty obvious; it means he was shot in the back of the head, execution style. Perhaps Carlos the Jackal lives in The Gates?

The title card looks like it was recycled from Pushing Daisies, but they added some blood and the titular The Gates. I think I'm going to enjoy saying titular a lot. Titular.

Nick leaves the coroner's office and bumps into Mr. Buckley, aka Goodwin Stanhope from LOST. Nick declares that he intends to handle the investigation, even though the body was found outside the community, and he has no jurisdictional leverage to allow him that opportunity. Goodwin, using his training from his days as an Other, understands maintaining a level of secrecy, and applauds Nick's initiative in doing what he can to hide this instance from the press. He reminds Mr. Buckley that he still intends to learn the identity of the Cop Killer. (Hint, it was Ice-T and Body Count.)

Breakfast at the Monohan house is exciting. We finally learn Nick's daughter's name. It is... (drumroll please)... Dana. All that waiting, I expected her to be named Calliope or something interesting, possibly something with a mythological background. Dana observes her mother drinking a second cup of coffee, and goes all CSI on her. Dana inplies that mom drinking 2 cups of coffee has to do with Dad's new case being so juicy it kept her up thinking about it. (Mom was once a stripper in Vegas Vacation, perhaps she reverted to old habits?) Charlie walks in and lets his little sister know she'd be terrible at professional poker, since she points out people's tells to them. Mom compliments Charlie on his shirt, and Dana says it is for a girl. I almost wish she trilled the word and rolled her eyes, but instead, she keeps using it as fodder in her CSI fantasy. Nick enters and punishes her for talking like a cop. I used to get punished for talking like a sailor, so I can understand the ruling. The kids leave for school and Nick fills Sarah in on the case, but has to leave to bring the kids to school.

The cameraman sits hidden in the corner of Andie's bedroom as she gets dressed for school. She listens to some mediocre music as she walks around in a bra. She notices some weird dark line along her back, as her father walks in on her. He stammers, never averting his eyes from his 1/2 naked 16 year old, and asks if she needs a ride to school. She politely declines, and once he leaves, she examines her back, discovering something that looks like a weathered tattoo of a tree. I'm sure we will get unsatisfying answers in the future.

Marcus stands on line for coffee from a pushcart in the center of town. A young girl on line behind him makes small talk about his sullen looks, leading me to believe that this town needs to offer a community center class on flirting. I mean, I'm pretty awkward with the ladies, but this town probably has a very low birth rate due to chronic boredom. She offers to buy him coffee, he agrees on the condition that he can buy her a muffin. I think he got a raw deal, muffins are always more expensive than coffee! He introduces himself, and we learn her name is Theresa.

Claire walks seductively in her bedroom, for her own benefit. Her husband is fast asleep on their nearby bed. Vampires get beds now? What happened to a good old coffin? She starts exhaling in his face, trying her famous nuzzle attack once again, and he springs awake. He quickly flips her off of him and pins her to the mattres. (I left off the last 'S' for savings.) She was trying to seduce him, and he's obviously not immune to her wiles. They both let their fangs come out. Is this a new thing, vampire eroticism requires visible fangs? Are fangs the new boner?

Brett calls Andie on his cell phone as he walks through the school hallways. Brazen if you ask me; are cell phones even allowed in schools? Lukas comes up from behind and eavesdrops. He suggests Andie is with Charlie, like they were last night. He reminds him that he was almost going to attack them. Damn, this kid is a good friend; eavedrops, reminds him his girlfriend is cheating on him, and that he almost went all werewolf on the guy last night. I'm going to give him a free pass this time, because we saw he has some pretty severe father issues already. Brett thanks Lukas for not letting him do whatever his animal side almost made him do (you wouldn't like him when he's mangy!) Lukas tries to get Brett to drop Andie, and go after the right kind of girl. I think he means another werewolf girl, unless Bella Swan is on the transfer student waiting list.

Andie visits Peg about the vein tattoo thing. Is Peg the school nurse? Peg asks her about stress, and Andie tells her she has boy problems. 99 problems, AND an itch is one, since Peg tells her it is likely a rash. Peg says she'll do some blood work and let her know more about it. Last week I thought she ran a medical marijuana and voodoo emporium, this week it is all scales and stethoscopes and MRI films. She tells Andie to keep it from her father until she knows what it is. Sounds like good advice to give a teenage girl; hide stuff from your parents. Other gems of advise Peg has given; she's told water to stay wet and San Diego to stay classy. No, that later one was Ron Burgandy. I just got confused by the untamed hair. Andie thanks her, calling her Peg. If she's examining you, use the title she earned... she didn't go to witch medical school for you to call her Peg. Dr. Peg or Witch Dr. seems polite.

Nick meets with Marcus and Leigh. They examine the evidence from the crime scene, and Nick has them run the prints that were found. Nick asks about the former chief's personal life, but no one really knows much about him, because he had a habit of changing up his staff frequently. This is when we learn that Marcus, at nearly a year of service, is the most senior officer in the station. Pretty reassuring if I was a resident. The Chief has a haunted past, and the top cop is basically still in training. They say Marcus is pushing the record currently held by Chad Taylor, who was the last cop to spend any real time on the force. They decide to find the guy and see if he is still collecting unemployment.

Claire gets her mail, which included an incitement offer from Devon's Day Spa. A box labeled Vine of the Soul. $5, right now, says this will tie back to Andie. She opens the box to find some potpourri and a card bearing the message "Got Cravings?" in the Buffy typeface. Wow, a spoof on the Got Milk? campaign. I can't believe nobody has ever thought to do that before.

Nick visits Chad to get some answers about the former Chief. Chad says he hasn't worked there in a while, but he'll be as helpful as he can be. Nick tells him that he was fired for insubordination, which Chad doesn't take to very well. He tells Nick that he thought something was fishy. He'd take calls and write-up reports, only to learn the Chief made them disappear. He implies that the chief took bribes, because he drove an expensive car. Chad must not know about financing options at his local dealerships. Nick gets him back on topic and asks if he remembers who the missing reports were filed about, and Chad tells him the MacCallisters (they shouldn't have left Kevin Home Alone!) and the Radcliffs. Nick must feel dumb for dismissing that suspicion of murder he had for Claire.

Claire visits Devon at the spa. Devon reminds Claire that she's magicking Mrs. Cooper into forgetting about seeing her move the contractor's truck from her garage. Devon offers to make the memory go away permanently, but she needs some of Claire's blood. How much you ask? A vial's worth. She's preparing a spell, which is a witch's recipe. I would think measurements would be a bit more exact than a vial, unless there is a standard of mystical measurements that I'm unaware of... Scientific, Imperial, and Wizarding units. Claire seems apprehensive to part with any of her blood.

Nick visits the Radcliff home, and Dylan pours himself a glass of wine. Last week his wife dumped the wine out to replace it with blood, so talk about possibly embarrassing situations; having the cop over and pouring yourself a nice glass of blood by mistake. That would be hard to weasel your way out of now, wouldn't it? Nick tells Dylan about finding a dead body by the river, and knowing he dumped the contractor by a river, he asked which river. Nick tells him most humans question about the body, not the geography. Dylan reminds Nick that there are no rivers in The Gates, so unless Nick isn't doing his job, safety shouldn't be a concern. Nick then tells him the body was the former chief, and wants to know about their relationship. Dylan seems confused by the line of questioning until Nick reminds him of a routine traffic stop involving his wife and her erratic driving whilst being covered in blood; a file that the old chief made disappear. Dylan tells Nick that the likely answer for the bloody covering was her history of nosebleeds. (For a vampire, would that be a snack?) Nick informs Dylan that doctors can fix nosebleeds now, usually in one visit.

Andie comes to school late, and Charlie tries to talk with her. She explains that she came from the doctor, who prescribed less stress. Andie uses the "I'm a girl, so I can be unpredictable" defense. She's dating Brett, so even talking with Charlie is stressful. Knowing that they can't talk together, how shocking would it be if they get assigned to be co-counsel together in mock trial? Prepare to be shocked; they are given the very assignment that would go against her doctor's orders!

After school, Andie walks to the stables for a riding lesson and Brett follows after her. She reminds him that he hates horses, a veiled attempt at telling him to leave her alone. Brett says it is the opposite, the horses hate him. He recites lines from various 80s pop songs and romance movies to her, pretending they are his words, and he caps off the plagiarism sundae with the "I Love You" cherry. That shut her up pretty good. He tells her he will call her later, and scares a horse as he walks away. "See, horses hate me," he says with a stupid grin.

Lukas and his father are having a do-over at bonding, while they skin a deer. Nick walks up to them and introduces himself. He says he's following up on missing files from Officer Taylor's time with the force, and specifically he was investigating a vandalism case involving Lukas. Mr. Ford tells Nick that if his son was in trouble, he'd have known about it, and would have dealt with it, accordingly. I think that means he'd show his son the strap, and who tells the cop that sort of thing? Mr. Ford also remembers that the Officer in question was fired, implying his word isn't that trustworthy. Nick asks him if he knew Chief Phelps, which he says he didn't. Mr. Ford tells Nick he needs to finish butchering his kill before it spoils. Nick leaves, and Lukas approaches his father, who is angry about having to cover for his son. He slaps his son like a pimp slaps a ho, bringing Lukas to his knees.

Nick returns to Police Headquarters after his interrogations. Leigh is shocked that they are having a hard time getting evidence in a police bribe scandal. Well, she's been there less than a year, and certainly less than Marcus. She must be basing what she knows of police work on The Departed, CSI and Law & Order. He fills Leigh in on Dylan making excuses for his wife and Simon Ford denying knowledge while trying to discredit Chad. Both of these actions smell like cover-up to him, so he brings Chad in for some additional questioning. Chad sits with Leigh as they go over the call log to check for discrepancies and missing files. He apologizes for overhearing Nick and Marcus talking about the fingerprints coming up with no matches; not a hard feat since he's about 2 feet from Marcus when they talk. He suggests they compare the prints with the resident database, the existence of which surprises everyone in the room. Yet another thing Phelps downsized to make less work for himself it seems.

Claire prattles on about their daughter, telling Dylan how she doesn't like her stories because they end with an 'icky' kiss. Dylan listens uninterestedly until she pauses for a breath. When she shuts up for a second, he tells her about Nick coming by, this time about Phelps death, and her blood covered traffic stop the previous October. He seems suspicious of her bloody activities as well, but she tells him the blood was from his lab. She had come that day to do some grocery shopping it would seem, and she spilled her road soda on the way home. She told him she used the bloody nose lie, and it never came up again. Dylan can't understand how a file would disappear, but Claire tells Dylan she paid Phelps to get rid of the file. While talking, the phone rings, and through the miracle of call ID, they know it is Chief Nick calling. Dylan listens to one side of the conversation for a while, until Claire hangs up; seems Dana and Emily are assigned to be friends at school. Sarah Monohan called to schedule an ice cream social for after school the following day. Dylan ignores this conversation and asks why she would pay off the Police Chief. Claire tells him because the option was presented to her. She also reminds Dylan how little he trusts her, and this would have been another feather in that cap for him; though him finding out months later makes it even less trustworthy. Thankfully, she can escape the conversation to finish her laundry.

Lukas apprehends Charlie in the hall. He asks him why his dad is investigating his father over a murder, when his father is the known murderer, according to the internet. Lukas pushes the right buttons and Charlie attacks him. They two dance back and forth between the lockers and the wall until it draws the attention of an unnamed teacher and Brett. Brett is winded already from pulling the two apart (how is he every going to get through a full game of football if that tired him out?) and tells the teacher everything is fine. Lukas tells Brett to stay out of it, and leaves them.

Marcus sits watching the computer run through an impressive looking on-screen animation to give the impression it is searching for something in a database. His phone rings and it is Teresa from the coffee cart. She tells him that she feels bad, since he muffin costs more than his coffee. (Told you so!) She wants to make it up to him later that night, promising a special treat. At that precise moment the computer solved whatever it was doing, and he needs to promptly get off the phone to share the information, before it disappears. The computer figured out that Simon Ford's prints were all over the chief's car.

Marcus and Nick arrive at Simon's house. Marcus tells Nick he has to be on property, since he didn't log out. Nick takes a look around the house, which incidentally, looks like it was decorated by Field and Stream. Simon surprises Nick, who once again draws his gun and aims it at Mr. Ford. Nick is jumpy and trigger happy. He asks him why he lied to him before, and the two argue semantics. Ford tells Nick that he was being extorted by the Chief, for $10,000 he would make his son's record go away. Ford tells Nick that he wasn't angry with the Chief, as he couldn't care about the money; he's truly disappointed in his son.

Class bills ring and Andie chases Charlie down the hall. She apologizes for her friends, her life, and everything complicated. She grabs his arm and seductively suggests they do something less complicated, like horses.

Sarah and Claire stroll through town, passing Peg's medical practice. They talk about their daughters for a moment, as that was why they were meeting, but very quickly move onto their personal lives. Dylan and Claire moved to The Gates from New York. I knew I recognized their accents, but here I thought they were British all this time. The moms find the daughters sitting on bench talking with Devon. Devon coos about the mommy/daughter day, and tells them they can come by her spa for mani/pedis and facials. Sarah seems interested in taking her up on that, and Devon tries to convince Claire by veiling a threat to her daughter as an invite.

At Police HQ, Leigh sits at her desk reading over Chief Phelps financial records. Seems Simon wasn't the only person he extorted; he's spent a lot of cash in recent months: $75K on a condo in Cabo, $70K on the SUV and $20K on a boat. Perhaps Marcus wasn't misunderstanding financing options after all. Nick tells her to run the prints against employee records.

Peg meets with Andie's father in her office. She's telling him about Andie, and her discovery that she has contracted succubus paramour. She says treatment is an option, provided they tell her, and begin immediately. Dad is unhappy to hear the news, but reveals that Andie's mother was a succubus too. Peg tells him to regale Andie with stories of her mother to lull her into some sense of bliss before he springs the news on her. I can imagine that conversation... Honey, remember Mom? Wasn't she great? Remember the time she seduced everyone in our old town, right before she died? Well, about that... Gosh, I see so much of her in you... Andie, do you know what a Succubus is? No, not the band from California, that's Incubus... Well, prehaps you should go to your room and check out what wikipedia has to say, I'll wait here... Ok, you're back? Well, your mother was a succubus, which makes you one too. {editors note: Offspring of succubi are known as cambion, they are usually still born and have no signs of life until they are 7 years old} Anyhow, dad has it pretty hard here; on the one hand, he learns that his daughter is a supernatural slut and on the other, he has to tell her about it for the safety of herself and the people she cares about.

Charlie and Andie ride horse besides a pond. They chit chat for a moment, nothing interesting or plot driving, until Charlie is thrown from his horse. Andie jumps from her mount and runs to his side. She goes to help him, and when he accuses her of liking him, she denies it. Then, to prove how little she likes him, they kiss. Brett watches from the woods as Andie jumps back into the saddle and rides off.

Marcus tells Nick that another set of prints came up as a match on Phelps' SUV. They belong to Chad. Nick asks him how, if he hasn't seen him in a year, his prints are all over an SUV from a few months ago. As they question him, Nick's team of expert police officers search his apartment. Leigh finds a gun that matches in caliber. Chad denies having any involvement, but Nick arrests him anyway. As Nick leaves Chad's apartment, he notices a box of Vine for the Soul tea from Devon's Day Spa.

Emily comes home and shows her father what she made with Dana during her play date. I can't tell, but it looks like a clay bear or something. She even boasts about having ice cream before running off to her room to allow plot to happen. Dylan complains that he can't live this way anymore. In case you missed it, you can see the last scene with them from last episode. Is this going to be this couple's "thing," where he doesn't trust his wife or her ability to blend in with humans, and she repeatedly tries to live up to his trust.

Teresa and Marcus take seats in a gorgeous old theatre. The room is mostly empty, as we hear instruments tuning up. He asks her why she chose him, and she tells him she felt drawn to him, like they have something in common. Banal dialogue? Meddling flirtations? Emotionless relationships?

Nick enters Devon's Day Spa and looks around her shop. Devon greets him and congratulates him on the speedy capture of the Chief's killer. He tells her he was there to get some tea for his wife, but after looking at the price tags on a box, seems it is above his price range. Devon tells him her customers would swear by it, saying it is worth every cent. He tells her that it must be good if Chad uses it, despite being out of work for a year, and prohibited from entering The Gates. He wonders how he could have gotten it. Damn, before Devon even told him about Spadevon.com, I was pretty sure online shopping would be the answer. And don't bother with the URL, ABC was too lazy to buy it as a redirect. Devon offers him a box of tea, gratis, which he passes on initially, telling her he is prohibited from taking gifts. She reminds him it is for his wife, so he isn't accepting anything.

We see Andie sitting at her computer, probably brooding on Facebook about how she has two boys totally into her and how hard it is to be a girl. Her father eerily watches her from her bedroom door.

Back at Devon's Spa, Claire enters, and locks the door behind her. She rolls her sleeves up to give Devon her blood for the spell she needs. Claire tells her that all the threats need to end if she gives up her blood, and if not, she will kill Devon. Devon tells Claire she's aware of her murderous ability, and has no doubt that she'd try to kill her. Devon tells her to keep out of trouble.

And, The Gates swing shut on another week. Y'all come back now, you hear?!

The Gates - Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot

Hi, Welcome to the Neighborhood! Do come in! Can I take your coat? Hat? Can I offer you a drink? Sit back and enjoy, as I go Knocking at The Gates.



The Gates opens with a shot of grass. The very opening scene for your show, something that you use to hook people, to draw them in to see what you are offering them, and you use grass? The very notion of boredom is equated with "watching grass grow," and this is what you choose to use to ingrain yourself in our minds? Yes, you go up and over The Gates, and through an idyllic looking community. Fountains, joggers, precocious children selling lemonade (I'm surprised an 'e' wasn't backwards on the sign), dogs drinking from a hose, kids on bikes, roses... In fact, I think I might have seen this montage once before.

Understand David Lynch did it something very similar in his opening for Blue Velvet, and many of the same visual archetypes are repeated here. Wait, I got too serious there for a second. I'm so very, VERY sorry. I will try not to let that happen again.

The first scene we see is Claire Radcliff trimming some roses in her front yard; her daughter Emily plays nearby. Well, perhaps plays isn't the right description, she idly kicks a skateboard to demonstrate that her driveway slopes down to the street. Almost immediately, as if to reinforce this crucial piece of information regarding the Radcliff's landscaping, her skateboard gains sentience and changes the straight path it was rolling to miss her foot and roll into the street. It was almost as if the skateboard knew that the truck speeding down the road was driven by a negligent driver, busy on his cell phone; seems suspect if you ask me. Claire shouts after Emily, who stops exactly in front of the truck. Children, remember when you freeze in front of a vehicle, make sure you align yourself with the hood ornament, it makes the attempt to avoid you far more dramatic. Luckily, or perhaps thankfully, The Radcliffs decided on a large ornamental concrete mailbox for the truck to crash into. In a strange turn of events, a little girl who narrowly avoided becoming a splotch on the truck's hood, and has a perfectly valid reason to arrive to school late, if at all for the day, decides she wants to go to school at that very moment. This community really IS perfect! OMG!♥ ♥ ♥ So little Emily gets into the minivan of Neighborhood Mom who sort of witnessed what happened, but really isn't quite sure what it was she saw, and off she goes to school. Claire looks at the driver, the same man who just minutes ago nearly ran her daughter down since he was too busy to hang up the cell phone while behind the wheel, yet is not important enough to have a Bluetooth headset, and sees he is injured. Injured is a bit dramatic, that's only a small cut over his eye. A gruff contractor type wouldn't be too concerned about that sort of injury, but apparently he also damaged his pride in the accident, because he agrees to go inside for some medical care.

When we follow the action inside, we see the gash in the man's forehead has resulted in phantom pain in his lower cheek, as evidenced by him holding a folded towel against his jowl. The two flirt as if using cue cards as we the audience awkwardly watch, romance is a-brewing. Oh, wait, she says that she's married! I guess I got ahead of myself there for a second, I thought she was going to go for him. She looks away from him for a moment and her gossypium hirsutum sanguphilia kicks in. For those that didn't take "Bull$#!ting your way through college by using misappropriated Latin 101", that looks like it would mean something like 'love of bloody cotton balls.' She protests that he gives up far too easily, and then leads him off to the most romantic setting I can think of, the kitchen. They start nuzzling their chins into one another's necks; obviously they are subscribers to the eskimo school of erotica. Whoa, spoiler alert!!! Claire is a Vampire. I'm so totally shocked... wasn't she just outside clipping flowers in the sunlight? Don't vampires shy away from sunlight? Well, she plugs up her sink, rather adeptly, with one hand so his flowing blood has a nice place to collect. She is perforating his neck, so I assume she is using the other to hold his neck so when she pushed against it with her fangs it doesn't just move away a little bit. Don't you hate it when the apple skin doesn't quite break when you bite it? Imagine being a vampire and the neck not being ripe enough yet. It isn't like you can put them in a bag to ripen, can you now?

Now we meet the Monohan's as they approach The Gates. Looks like the opted for the cute yet smart model with the daughter; she's spouting facts about The Gates that no one in the car asked for. I mean they might have said something rhetoric about The Gates like "What do you know about that?!" right before the microphone caught up to them, but I don't think it went like that at all. They stop before the guardhouse where they meet Eddie, the front gate guard. I learned that Eddie used to work the door at that bar by college; you know the one, where they never carded anyone until some undercover cop showed up and ruined it for him. Oh crap, Monohan is the Chief of Police! Eddie, you are SO busted! They drive through town, and the vacant stare the daughter has as she recites platitudes from the community brochure leads me to believe that she's already bored of her own talking. I, for one, know that I am. They pull up to house, about 7 or 8... No, that's actually another show...

So they get to the house, where movers who have just been awakened by the arrival of the owner's car start to unload the truck. Luckily, the Monohans were amateur TV cameramen wherever they are coming from, so they have a camera in their moving truck. The family looks around the house; it has a pool and jacuzzi exciting enough to inspire an almost honest moment of excitement between the children. Everyone seems happy that they escaped wherever they lived before here.

Claire Radcliff scrubs herself vigorously in the shower. In fact, she scrubs hard enough to make me believe I accidentally flipped channels and I am now watching some movie on Lifetime; right now we are at the scene where the women blames herself, but gets the resolve to visit the police department and make an accusation. She's done in the shower... {shrug} must not have been that traumatic. She sits in the dark applying lotion. It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again. It puts the lotion in the basket; it does this whenever it’s told. She misses a spot, and when she goes to examine the ominous spot of sun-drenched carpet, she gets a nasty looking burn. The Gates should ship some of that lotion off to Bon Temps, and wherever it is that Vampire Diaries is set.

Police Chief Monohan drops his kids at school. They just arrived in this new town, they get to their new home, look at the new pool, and immediately they go off to school. They must have gotten the same memo that Emily did; perhaps it is pizza day at the cafeteria? I want to point out that while I know the son's name from wikipedia, I don't know it from anything demonstrated in the show yet. That being said, the son leaves dad to explore campus. He makes quick time in finding the beverage vending machine. He must be getting some orange juice before class, since it must be around 8:00 am. As he inserts coins, some random girl walks past and tells him we get everything but OJ, (DAMN, He wanted OJ!) all part of some conspiracy to keep them healthy, and continues walking to class. I have a feeling we might be seeing her again.

Nick gets to his first day of work at the aptly named The Gates Police Station. They have a sign waiting for him so he knows where to park. We meet the day shift of the community cops, Marcus and Leigh. 10 minutes in, give or take, and other than a girl that almost got hit by a car, her mother, Nick, and the guard at the front gate, we haven't really met any of the cast of characters. Remind me when I should start getting invested in these people and their story if you get a free moment. Anyhow, Nick jokes about the deafening quietude with his new staff. Good job ingratiating yourself with your underlings Nick; don't expect much for your birthday. The former chief was apparently so overworked, he had to retire; to Mexico. Well, that’s enough small talk, back to policing. Marcus shows Nick the state of the art set-up they have for this quaint little township. (I paused the DVR here and looked at the community layout, looks like they have about 200 homes, though a few have the perimeter fence running through the middle of them) They have over 200 infrared motion sensitive cameras, 15 KM of interlocking pressure-triggered ground sensors. 50 terabyte redundant hard drive with blah blah blah... Sweet potatoes, is this a gated community, or Jurassic Park?! Is Jay Nedry around here somewhere? I want to go on record now that I think bad stuff is going to happen, perhaps even some very bad stuff. Though, seemingly, Nick got a pretty sweet gig. He even says rhetorically that the crime rate must be like close to zero here. He's told by Tweedledee that something of interest happened just earlier. Tweedledumb argues that it isn't really important. These two are going to bicker for a while, but since they are opposite in gender, we might get to endure a boring tertiary plot line involving them sullying the gene pool in the future. We can only be so lucky.

Claire Radcliff visits the Monohan home to introduce herself. This community really is sheltered, since she arrives with the above pictured Dutch oven and an outdated joke about no carb diets. Sarah offers Claire some coffee, and Claire, ever the gracious guest, asks for tea instead. While Sarah looks through boxes hoping to break something... oh, success so soon! Claire recommends visiting Peg's shop in town; she has cures for everything. Sounds like she runs the medical marijuana clinic in town! Claire makes small talk about Sarah's husband; rather than form a bond with another housewife, let's see if he's worthy of a hot and heavy eskimo make-out session later. Oooh, he's from Chicago. All the best police detectives with dirty secrets from their past come from Chicago!

Back at the school, we meet Brett during English class. We can tell rather quickly that this is a more affluent community, since the students are discussing Flannery O'Connor's work, and not something more run of the mill, like Poe or Twain. OJ girl is in the class, and when Brett makes a comment about the work, she readily agrees with him; they might be an item. Monohan the younger, demonstrating that he's read beyond the book, into the life of the author, gives a more competent answer than Brett the jock does. He talks about Lupus, which means wolf (I knew that from my BS Latin class!) and how O'Connor's work might have been influenced by her disease. He probably said some more, but since I left high school like 15 years ago, I didn't want to learn any more.

OJ girl finds Monohan Jr. outside, and sits down to talk with him. They relentlessly flirt like they were on debate team. After the verbal volleyball, she asks him to join mock trial, so I guess the flirting makes sense now. OJ girl introduces herself as Andie, and says she knows he is Charlie. 15 minutes in, and we are finally learning the name of what I assume is one of the central characters. GREAT pacing. So, Andie has a deceased mother, and considers living in The Gates to be a form of exile. Brett spies on them from afar, and when Andie approaches him, we learn they are a couple. So far, people in The Gates are not very faithful to their better halves.

Back at the Police Station, Marcus' hunch about that minor accident the previous day turns out to be real. A missing person's report was filed for him in another town. If he crashed yesterday, he was not gone for the 48 hours that the police require before you can file a missing person's report. Either way, he is so totally going to point out how he was right to Tweedledumb. In your face! They decide to go interview the Radcliffs.

Back at the Radcliffs' house, Claire is popping corks and dumping out some wine to replace with all that sink blood. She seems to have a pretty nice wine collection, so why would she dump the wine out? Why not drink what I assume is good wine? You don't usually have bad wine in a collection that massive, and she couldn't slip in a bottle of two-buck chuck full of blood amongst all those bottles of Chateauneuf du Pape, so the logical assumption is, she is pouring out good wine. She has the blood in a decanter, so she's obviously familiar with transferring liquids into alternate vessels; why not save that wine? Someone arrives home, I'm guessing her husband, since he tries the garage door to no success, and Claire rushes to hide what she's doing. She takes a minute to compose herself and goes out to visit her husband in the foyer. He grabs the glass of white wine that she was drinking, and takes a deep whiff. The wine smells strange, so strange he attacks his wife. He's either another vampire, or a dentist they way he gets up in her mouth. When she tells him it is in the wine room, the doorbell rings; Officer Monohan and friends are at the door.

The Radcliffs talk with the police about the missing contractor. They answer a few questions from The Police Book of Basic Interrogations with answers from the Evasive Answers Handbook. The husband suggests a concussion; funny since he wasn't even present when the guy crashed. Not once was the fact that this guy was speeding through the streets, nearly running down their daughter, even addressed. Officer Nick asks Mr. Radcliff if he's a doctor, since concussions are hard do diagnose, especially when you didn't even see the patient. He's informed that Mr. Radcliff is the CEO of a biotech company. CEO of a Biotech firm is one of the top ten jobs on television right now, falling at sixth after doctor, lawyer, police officer, forensic scientist and chef.

The cops leave and the Radcliffs have a deep conversation. Apparently they have an arrangement, perhaps she's allowed to nuzzle with strangers, but draining them of their blood is a big no-no! The dead guy looks pretty chill in the fridge. Chill, get it?

Meanwhile, across town, Sarah does some light shopping. Last we saw her, she was nowhere close to unpacked, so at least she's using her time well. She sees a day spa and figures this could kill a couple more hours of the time I should be using to get my new house in order. Devon, the shop keeper, sees Sarah sniffing at her flowers and comes over to greet her. Sarah tells her that she was on her way to see Peg, to get some 'herbs.' Devon tells her she has the same stuff for half the price. Competing medical marijuana dealers, in a town with less than 200 homes? Seems excessive if you ask me, but everyone needs a way to relax.

Charlie and his unnamed yet knowledgeable sister walk past the football team practice. Sis tells Charlie that he should pretend to be happy to make the father happy. Sounds like how you deal with an abusive or alcoholic parent; is this why they left Chicago? Charlie is on his way to meet up with Andie and her friends about some school fair booth. Andie is painting the booth while Mia (for those keeping track at home, someone we see for the first time already has a name, the daughter, three appearances so far, no name given) sits in the background making a lie detector. Charlie suggests that no one is going to willing come to their booth, and Andie agrees that it is a stupid idea, but she only went along for the ride. Andie grabs Charlies hands as her boyfriend Brett watches from the football field. Brett gets all Alpha male and knocks the snot out of another teammate during practice. The Coach sees his eyes, I think he was high the way his pupils looked, and sends him to his office.

Later on, Lukas follows Brett telling him he needs to run with the pack. I get the impression that these kids are no good, leaving the shelter of their community to run. They are a biker gang on Schwinn, Huffy and BMX, a veritable White Collar Warriors.

Tweedledee and Tweedledumb, aka Marcus and Leigh, leave the police department. Leigh asks Marcus if he really wants to investigate a crime. What kind of question is that from a fellow officer of the law? Isn't that pretty much the prime directive? She then recants the tale of how Nick killed an unarmed man; a man wanted for rape and murder. I get it now, Leigh is suspicious and lazy, making her the perfect candidate to replace the previous chief; she's bitter she was passed over for the promotion.

It's dinner time at the Monohan house. The kids talk about how great school was, and how cool the kids are. They're lying to their father, a cop, and he can't see through it? Criminals have nothing to fear in The Gates. Sarah tells him she met some nice people too, even getting some gifts, including this lasagna from Claire. Nick voices his suspicion, especially since the husband did the speaking for her.

We see Claire approach The Gates to go for a drive. She gives Eddie some cookies as she drives out. We see her husband place the missing contractor on the ground by his truck, scatter some empty beer cans around, and then make strange humping motions while he sucked face with the corpse. Vampiring, I think he's doing it wrong. From across the lake, Claire watches as her husband goes gay for platelets. When he joins her for a nice ride home in her trunk, he tells her it was to make it look like wolves. Do wolves leave semen on their victims’ jeans?

Eddie is being interrogated by Nick as they watch some video footage of the missing man's truck driving right past the gate. Eddie apologizes, but tells Nick that he ate too many of Claire's cookies and dozed off. Methinks these cookies might have been laced with something. We already know that Eddie doesn't check ID, now he dozes off on guard duty. If I were the Chief, I'd consider placing this guy on a desk, preferable one without scissors or a stapler that he can injure himself with. Chief notices Claire looking for the camera as she drove past the gatehouse, and somewhere in that action, he gets what he needs to draw up a warrant for their home. Unfortunately for him, his crack security team have never done this sort of work before, so looks like he's going to have to do it. (I think the family from Scoundrels should move to The Gates, crime seems so easy there.)

Back at the school, Charlie meets Andie in the auditorium to test out the lie detector. The lie detector is the size of a laptop computer, so why the need to use the auditorium? I'm sure there are other places in the school to test it out, maybe the library, or the mock trial classroom? She starts asking him questions and testing the machine. His heart rate skyrockets, he is either having a heart attack or crushing on her really hard. She rushes off, and Brett fins her at her locker. They talk about what happened between Charlie and her, and somehow, Brett uses the zoom lenses installed in his eyes to read her pupil dilation and know she's lying to him. He runs off like a weepy girl down the corridor. Brett runs to the Mens' room to let out his emotions. He emotes like an angry gorilla, tearing the bathroom apart. Perhaps he uses the same doctor as Manny Ramirez? Charlie hears the scuffle, and enters to see the bathroom destroyed like Katrina had just rolled through. Brett comes out of a stall, in the midst of putting his shirt back on, and claims it was like that when he came in. Uh, why were you taking a dump with no shirt on? Why did this not register with Charlie? Brett and Charlie has a pretty vague conversation where Brett asserts he's dating Andie. Thanks for clearing that up jock boy.

Mr. Buckley enters the police department and checks in with Nick. Mr. Buckley is the guy that founded The Gates. He suggests more cameras to ensure the safety of the residents, not unnecessary warrants and searches. Mr. Buckley makes not so veiled threats against Nick if he continues to insist on doing his job efficiently.

Peg enters Devon's shop, and we learn more about these two characters in this scene than we've learned about everyone else all episode. Devon was married to the guy that created/runs The Gates, and Peg took her under her wing following their divorce. Peg, it seems, trained Devon in the 'craft' as well. Ok, I may not be Schilling, Gauss or Weber, but I know a telegraph when I see one. These girls are witches.

Back at the Monohan home, Nick gets a call from Leigh. His warrant was denied; as I supposed, looking at a camera from your car is not enough evidence. Not one to stand on ceremony, Nick kisses his wife good-bye and decides to go check on the Radcliffs house, despite his lack of warrant. GREAT Police work. Nick tries to open the Radcliffs' shed, and Claire springs awake. Honestly, I think she's feeling guilty about not insisting her daughter stayed home from school, so she wasn't really asleep. She then walks all the way down the hallway, where she jumps down from the landing. If she has the ability to jump down, why not just jump down outside the bedroom and turn around; what was the point of walking those extra dozen steps if she wasn't using the stairs at that end of the landing? Claire waits in the dark for Nick, when Dylan surprises Nick. Nick pulls his gun and has it trained on Dylan very quickly. I'm beginning to see what Leigh was hinting at, this guy seems very jumpy when guns are involved. Dylan knows Claire is in the shadows, so he convinces Nick to leave through the side, narrowly avoiding the evisceration and disemboweling that I was so certain we'd get to see on an ABC series.

Dylan and Claire sit in the kitchen and Dylan questions Claire's decision to kill the police chief. Dylan decides to ship Claire off for not being able to fit into society. Dylan uses his biotech job as a cover to steal blood from his labs. In some world, this would be seen as embezzlement, wouldn't it; stealing from your company for personal gain? Claire says it isn't just about the blood, she can't stand carpooling, book clubs, fund raising, etc. Basically, she fears that she's losing the part of her that makes her a vampire, only to have it replaced by the part of her that makes her a Desperate Housewife. Dylan convinces her to stay for Emily. I'm not sure that vampires can have children, so if Emily isn't a vampire, is she Claire's child from before she was turned, is she a pet, or are they raising her like cattle, for more sinister means?

Nick and Sarah argue in their bedroom. Sarah is against Nick and his method of being a cop. He is more than just a cop, he's a husband, a father, a lover and a toker... getting his lovin' on the run. Some people call him Maurice.

Back home with The Radcliffs, and Claire is talking about joining book club again. The first book on the docket is Middlesex, which was actually a really good book. It has to do with hiding away part of who you are for fear of reprisal. That seems pretty appropriate.

Charlie finds Andie's booth at the Harvest Festival, which isn't an easy task. From the looks of things, they put her booth right next to the spare straw they use to gather up the vomit from the Tilt-o-Whirl. They aren't going to make any money, but not for lack of interest, just for lack of presence. Charlie tries to apologize for having his natural biological activities out his emotions for her; it sounds like he's apologizing for getting a chubby while they were in that auditorium. Andie blows his mind by telling him that she feels the same, with or without the lie detector. Brett listens in from a distance.

The Radcliffs get into the car to head over to the fair to a sky filled with fairly unimpressive CG fireworks. Nick sits in his car listening to the radio. Over at the fair, the unimpressive fireworks continue to bore the dozens of background extras forced to pretend to watch them. Nick finds his family and tells them that he dropped his case against the Radcliffs. Years of police instinct trumped by an angry wife threatening to lock her gate, if you know what I mean. Claire finds Peg and asks for something for cravings. Pennyroyal Tea can stop that pregnancy, but I don't think that is what she is talking about. Devon arrives and tells her she has bigger problems, the neighbor saw her with the dead contractor before he lost at necking.

Meanwhile, Andie and Charlie meet on the golf course for some hot and heavy hand holding. Brett spies, with his glowing yellow eye, one cheating girlfriend. OMG, Brett has totally been hiding the fact that he's Team Jacob all along! He's a borewolf; able to turn brooding teenager to ineffective wolf in the blink of an eye. His friend Lukas is there to stop him from doing something he'll regret. "We took a purity pledge Brett!" he says as he straddles the very naked Brett.

Nick is awoken by some very serious business, possibly even SRS BSNS! He rolls out to the crime scene with Marcus and Leigh. Nick can't ID the body as his missing contractor. Marcus and Leigh suddenly know that the chief did not retire to Mexico.

The Gates swing closed for this week. Join me next week when I wonder the following, aloud:
What is going on?
Who are those people?
Does this look infected to you?
Are you going to eat those french fries?
What is Nick's daughter's name?

Welcome to Knocking at The Gates

Welcome to what may or may not be a long term project. ABC introduced a new series tonight, entitled The Gates. Created by Grant Scharbo (the short lived CW show "The Mountain") and Richard Hatem (Exec. Producer on several episodes of Tru Calling, Supernatural, The Lost Room and Dead Zone.) As I sat watching the pilot episode, cleverly entitled "Pilot," I realized that I suddenly had something to say. The Gates is one of those rare shows that is so deserving of a blog dedicated to it, that I had to stay up late to create that very blog. Obviously, the title is an homage to Thomas de Quincy's essay on Shakespeare... who am I kidding? It is because I intend to extend no sympathies to the show. I will be making snide observations on the show under the auspices of looking like I am recapping each episode.

Now, a quick Google image search for The Gates ABC returned NO images that seemed fitting for the introductory post. No title card, no promotional cast shot, nothing. ABC apparently doesn't love this show as much as I already do. The image above came from Wikipedia, I assume it is for the correct show. I did find one image, but I'm going to use that to kick off the first recap.

If you want to email me, I ask you to reconsider that decision. If, after sleeping on it for a night you decide you still want to email me, you can send me an email at knockingatthegates@gmail.com Please don't expect regular replies, though I might be lured into conversation in the comments.